A Father's View
by Ami Ikari
Summary: Gendou's final thoughts before death.


A Father's View  
---------------

*Author's notes*

This will be the last fic of a trilogy that I wanted to write, ending a group of stories about the Ikari family. Maybe I continue this with the other characters of NGE... of course, this can be also some effect of the Psychology lessons that I'm having at university.

Oh yes, before I forgot, this is MY vision over Gendou. It can look weird for some people and "too perfect" for others. And no, I'm not planning to become a Physchiatrist, don't worry.

***  
"So this is the end of all my acts. Forgive-me, my son."

That was the end of all. Without knowing it, I were watching at my own death and at the consequences that my existence had created. From my ascension (or fall, perhaps) to somewhere far away from my life, my acts looked at me and condemned myself.

Few people would understand my reasons to act that way. Few would accept and lesser than that would forgive my attitudes. But many people would say that I was manipulating humanity to serve my own desires, without thinking about the feelings of those who were near me. Or even say that I had forgotten that those weren't just pieces of a chess game. And the answer for all those questions about myself was so simple... too simple for anyone believe in it.

_I know, I know I've let you down  
I've been a fool to myself  
I thought that I could  
live for no one else_

Four letters were enough to describe what I felt during all my life and to explain my actions.

Fear.

Yes, I've always been afraid. Afraid of not finishing the duties that people gave me, afraid of being rejected, of not being a good husband, a good father... afraid of... of everything, I think. Maybe just saying that I've always been afraid of failing would be a good way to resume all my fears.

And because I was so afraid of my failures, why did I accumulate so many during my life...?

_But now through all the hurt & pain  
It's time for me to respect  
the ones you love  
mean more than anything_

"Ikari-kun? But..."

"He's a gentle person, Fuyutsuki-sensei. The problem is that not everyone can see that."

Yui. She was the only person that could see that underneath the mask I created to protect myself, lied a scared child, willing for some comfort and attention. That were always there when I needed while she stayed by my side. Her love gave me courage, her smile gave me determination to continue my life, to build a family.

A family. To always have it by my side.

"You're... pregnant?"

"Soon you'll be a father, Gendou."

"If... if it's a girl, she'll be called Rei. If it's a boy, he'll be Shinji."

Shinji was born some months before the Katsuragi Expedition to Antartida. My responsabilities had increased, what also made my fear to fail increase. I had to be able to raise the son that Yui had gave me; I felt that I had to be a good father.

I came back from the Katsuragi Expedition as one of the survivors, with all the notes that the staff had done. I had on my hands all the material that was needed to build a new future. A new beginning for human kind.

_So with sadness in my heart  
(I) feel the best thing I could do  
is end it all  
and leave forever_

People always told me that 'happiness' doesn't exist. It would be made up of some few happy moments in the life of a person, moments that were extremely rare in my case. I was condemned by destiny to live in disgrace, with only one piece of hope that understood me and that was able to accept me as I were, without asking a single question.

But for a condemned one, happiness is never eternal.

"Synchro rate, 250% and increasing quickly, chief Ikari!"

"What?! What's happening?! Yui! Please, answer! Yui! Yui!!"

And so she said farewell for this world, without leaving anything that could remember anyone that she had once existed.

_what's done is done it feels so bad  
what once was happy now is sad  
I'll never love again  
my world is ending_

Her grave had only a gravestone, no body was left to be buried. But her smile would be seen only at a child's face. Not the child born from Yui's body, though, for he didn't deserve to live nearby a loser.

***  
"Where were you during all this week? I know you're depressed, but your body doesn't belong only to you."

"I know that. I'm beginning a new project today."

"Good morning, chief. You brought your child along? Wasn't it a boy...?"

"This isn't Shinji. I've decided to take care of the daughter of a friend of mine. Her name is Rei Ayanami."

"Hello, Rei-chan."

***  
From that day on, my time would be dedicated only to the project that Yui had begun. I would never let that her work was forgotten by anyone, but that was a way to maintain my dream. one day, I would be by her side again.

'Till death do us part', cristians say when two people - or souls - promise to be always by the partner's side, in happiness and in sadness, in health and in illness, when rich and when poor...

... till death do you part. But what can happen when there is no death, not as humanity usually describes it?

_I wish that I could turn back time  
'Cause now the guilt is all mine  
can't live without  
the trust from those you love"_

And so I continued my life. For all the world, including the child we had, Yui Ikari was dead, victim of an accident due to a system failure of the Evangelion Unit 01, when Shinji was only a four-year-old boy.

Shinji. That was the name that we gave to the son that Yui carefully placed on my arms and that I let with other people to raise him. I confess, I couldn't raise my own son, I wasn't able to love him as Yui hoped I would.

Maybe because I saw how he looked like me.

_I know we can't forget the past  
you can't forget love and pride  
because of that, it's killing me inside_

And so the experiences continued. The two first Evangelion Units were ready when the Angels came to Earth, attacking Tokyo-3 as if the army were just insects to kill. Nothing could beat them, except the results of my ten-year project.

A project that was finished with my efforts and the people that were around me. My chess game. I thought I could predict the end of that game and, because of that, lifes were lost and souls were hurt.

But I know that I cannot go back or just say "I'm sorry". What I've done can't be undone.

_It all returns to nothing, it all comes  
tumbling down. tumbling down.  
tumbling down  
It all returns to nothing, I just keep  
letting me down, letting me down,  
letting me down_

Fuyutsuki-sensei. You agreed with my plans because you shared many feelings with me. Arigatou.

Misato Katsuragi. I let you and your father facing death and even with the knowledge that Shinji was my son, you took care of him like few people would do. Thank you very much.

Ritsuko Akagi. I was the one who killed your mother and leaded your life to disgrace. You shouldn't have waited MAGI's decision to blow up everything. You just had to pull the trigger once.

Rei Ayanami. The child which body and mind I built for myself and that learned how to live... but you lived for a short time, don't you agree with me? It's a pity you couldn't be a normal girl.

_In my heart of hearts  
I know that I could never love again  
I've lost everything  
everything  
everything that matters to me,  
matters in this world_

For losing the reason of my life, I sacrified a whole world. I made everyone believe that all I wanted was save the world from the Angels.

But there's no turning back now. We would be part of one single entity, complete and united souls. We would never be alonge again, nobody would be able to separate us, we would never be unhappy.

That was the greatest goal of all my life. But I couldn't imaginate that everything would end up like this. You were right, Yui. I always feared everything.

Including my own life.

Forgive me, my son.

English version finished in April 3, 2002.  
Translated from the Portuguese version of August 15, 2001.  
The verses on the story are the English translation of "Komm, Suesser Töd", from the movie The End of Evangelion, available at AnimeLyrics.com.


End file.
